


Heart and Soul

by rottnrotty



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Isabelle Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Lightwood Siblings, M/M, POV Alec Lightwood, Parabatai, Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-08 15:12:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10389576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rottnrotty/pseuds/rottnrotty
Summary: Did Alec believe in love at first sight?  He had certainly never experienced it.  Jace had been his best friend for years, until he was something...more.  All that realization had brought him was pain and disgust.  Disgust at himself, at what he wanted, what he dreamed about.  If love felt like this, a constant spiral of shame and self loathing, than Alec wanted nothing to do with it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Set after episode 1x04.
> 
> I'm always inspired by Malec pictures.   
> http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u129/rottnrotty/IMG_1428.jpeg

"Hey, do you guys believe in love at first sight?"

The Lightwood kids had been sitting around the table in silence for almost an hour when Jace sputtered the question, seemingly out of nowhere.  They were supposed to be working on reports for the (mostly unsanctioned) missions they had gone on since Alec had been put in charge of the Institute.  Obviously, Jace had other things on his mind.

Alec kept his head down and ploughed on, determined to finish the paperwork and not get drawn into the conversation.  Isabelle just raised her head and rolled her eyes in way of an answer.

Out of the corner of his eye, Alec could see Jace fiddling with the cuffs of his long sleeve thermal shirt.  He was visibly out of his comfort zone.

"Ok, that sounded childish.  Forget it."  Jace's voice sounded overly light, but Alec could hear the strain behind it.  They were parabati, and this meant no one knew Jace better than Alec.

Isabelle gave Jace a knowing smirk.  "Is this about a certain red head?  The lovely Miss Fray?"

Alec's heart sped up a little bit.  Whenever he thought about Clary Fray, he felt slightly nauseous.  Ever since Jace had arrived at the doorstep of the Institute over ten years ago, he, Alec and Isabelle had become inseparable.  For some, it might have been a lonely childhood, but not for the Lightwoods.  They did everything together.  Maybe the boys had pulled the "two against one" line a few times to force their sister into extra weapons or combat training, but Izzy also got her own way a great deal of the time.  She was proud that both boys were experts at French braiding hair, and could apply nail polish like salon professionals. 

Now Clary was a part of everything.  Every mission they went on involved Clary, and every decision Jace made was based on helping Clary.  Alec found adapting to change very difficult, and Clary Fray was proving extremely hard to adapt to.

Jace tried to look at Izzy with his usual aloof swagger, but he was pretty easy to see through.  "Well, yah, maybe it has something to do with Clary," he said restlessly, reaching up to tug on his collar.  "I mean, I'm not saying I'm in love with Clary, it's more like...I knew she was going to be important in my life, from the moment I met her."

Alec hazily heard Isabelle reply, "awwww, that's so sweet, I think I'm going to vomit," before his mind was overtaken with a crashing wave of dejection.  He was seriously glad that the conversation seemed to continue without his input.

Did he believe in love at first sight?  He had certainly never experienced it.  Jace had been his best friend for years, until he was something...more.  All that realization had brought him was pain and disgust.  Disgust at himself, at what he wanted, what he dreamed about.  If love felt like this, a constant spiral of shame and self loathing, than Alec wanted nothing to do with it.

That didn't mean he was ok with Clary and Jace getting a happy ending together.

He could tell the conversation was petering out, and tried to focus on it once again.  Izzy had her hand on Jace's wrist, and was talking to him softly.  "Jace, you are a great guy, and any girl...or anyone..uh..for that matter, would be lucky to have you."  She threw an apologetic look Alec's way, making it clear she knew just how difficult this discusssion was on her older brother.  "Now might not be the best time to make a move.  Clary just lost all her memories forever, and her mom is still missing.  Let's just be as supportive as we can, and take it from there.  Ok?"

Oh god, did Izzy really just bring up the memory Demon?  Alec thought the night couldn't get much worse, but here he was, proven wrong in a very monstrous way.  He could not take it anymore.  The mixture of jealousy, anger and shame was bubbling up inside of him, threatening to overboil and turn him into something ugly.  He hated how he acted when he felt like this, striking out harshly at people for the smallest of infractions.  He needed to get away before his toxicity started to consume him, and he ended up saying something he would regret.

"Uh, hey, I've got a headache, I'm gonna go lie down.  Good advice though Iz.  See ya," he mumbled, as he bolted from his seat and stalked out of the room.  He briefly saw how surprised his siblings looked as he made his very graceless exit, but he didn't care.  All that mattered was escaping to somewhere private.

Alec's haven in the Institute had always been his bedroom.  It wasn't fancy, but it was where he felt safe, a place he could retreat with his thoughts.  There was no one judging him there.  Except himself.  Which he started to do as soon as he crossed into the room and threw himself on the bed.

The old spiral of loathing he knew so well blanketed over him.  How could he think of Jace as a brother in one thought, and in the next as a...potential boyfriend? lover? God he was fucked up.  And so revolting. If this ever got out, how he felt about Jace, he would lose everything.  Not even his own family could love someone as loathsome; a person who lusted after their own brother, their own parabati.  Alec was so worked up, his breaths were coming out as short pants, and he thought he might hyperventilate from guilt and humiliation.

But Alec was a soldier, and a survivor.  He had lived in this cloud of self-reproach for so long, it was becoming second nature.  When was the last time he was purely happy?  Back when they were kids, before his body had surged with hormones.  He would give anything to return to those simpler times, when Jace was just his best friend and brother.

There was a rustling sound outside his room.  Alec turned his head towards the door just in time to see a piece of paper shoved under it.  Despite the bile in his stomach and the heaviness in his heart, he felt his mouth turn up a tiny degree.  He really did have the best sister.  Growing up with parents who saw themselves as their children's commanders wasn't easy.  There wasn't a lot of hugs, or kisses, or affection of any sort.  Early on, the siblings had started writing each other encouraging notes, and slipping them in places the other was sure to find them.  Every time Alec had opened a book when he was young, a strip of paper with something like "you make the yummiest scrambled eggs", or "best brother + best friend = Alec Lightwood" would fall out.

The present day note was much longer:

**I know you're obnoxious, and stubborn.**

**But you're also loyal, and honest, and a big old softy when you stop worrying about what people are thinking about you.**

**One day somebody is going to love you, heart and soul.**

_**Like I do.  Love Isabelle.** _

Tears welled up in Alec's eyes and threatened to spill down his cheeks.  This was the exact speech Izzy had given him before his parabati ceremony years ago.  The fact that his sister felt he was deserving of love, and offered hers to him so freely and unconditionally, despite guessing (or knowing) his darkest secret, was the greatest comfort he could ask for right now.  

Feeling marginally less hellish than he had earlier, Alec flopped back down on his bed to pick through his scattered thoughts and (urgh) feelings.

He had to admit, he didn't really believe in love at first sight.  That was fairy tale stuff.  Izzy had made him sit through a few of those when he was younger, and he hadn't found them very entertaining.  It was all too unbelievable.  How could you get excited for "happily ever after" when there was always another Demon around the corner?

But what Jace had said, about seeing someone and instantly knowing they would be an important part of your life, that sounded right.  Is that what had happened when Jace came to live with them?  If he was honest with himself, the answer was no.  At first, Alec had been jealous.  It had been hard enough getting his parent's praise and attention normally; with Jace around, it was damn near impossible.  He was trained to be the ultimate warrior.  It would have been so easy to hate him, and for a few days, Alec did.  Then gradually he felt himself thaw to the new addition.  Jace was all the things that Alec wasn't - confident, nimble, articulate - but he never looked down on Alec, or made fun of him.  One day, a few months after Jace arrived, the three of them were hiding from a training lesson together, trying to control their giggles and avoid adult detection, when Alec realized that Jace was his best friend.  He didn't feel any resentment towards the younger boy at all anymore.

Maybe Alec just wasn't destined for love.  He'd seen lots of guys he thought were attractive, but he'd never felt what Jace had described.  Like the person he was looking at was special to his life in some way.

Until a few nights ago.

Just thinking about it made Alec blush.  Thank the Angel Izzy was not here to make fun of him.

Earlier in week, Alec had been talked into doing something he hated.  He had gone to a party.  Sure, it was actually a mission, but he was pretty sure that Izzy was more excited about the rave than getting back Clary's memories.  As Alec could have predicted, all hell had broken loose, just as had been happening on every mission since Clary Fray had entered their lives.

Alec had put his archer skills to good use, and had actually helped kill two circle members that were targeting their mission contact, the High Warlock of Brooklyn. 

Alec had never been in battle with a Warlock before, and was impressed at the skill and grace with which he fought.  He even cracked a little joke at the end.

When the Warlock turned around, Alec had felt overwhelmed by...well, the whole package.  Stepping forward with style and elegance, he had introduced himself as Magnus, and Alec had lost his breath and his ability to string together a full sentence.  He had at least been able to stammer out his name.  How did this man in front of him look so incredible after the fight?  Not a drop of sweat, with perfect clothes and hair.  He was actually the most stunning person that Alec had ever seen.  His heart had thumped loudly in his chest, and Alec knew he needed to make a break for it before he made a complete fool of himself.  The poor guy was just trying to introduce himself, and Alec had acted like an incoherent teenager.

It didn't seem to bother Magnus though.  When he had wanted the Shadowhunters to get prepared for the Demon summoning, he had singled Alec out as the leader of the group.  And called him pretty!  Even though it was in front of Jace, it had still felt so good.  No one ever noticed Alec when Jace was around.  Or if they did, they quickly gave up when they realized Jace was charming and witty while Alec was awkward and grumpy.  It had never really bothered Alec much, since the majority of the time it was giggling girls who were flirting.  This time, when it was Magnus, it mattered. 

Holy shit, maybe this is exactly what Jace meant!  Alec sat up in his bed so fast, he gave himself vertigo.  He had felt a connection with Magnus right away, but he had written that off as hormones.  Magnus was beautiful after all.  They weren't fated to have an important part in each other's lives.  Alec had just been responding to a gorgeous face and positive male attention.  Right?

He honestly hoped so, because after how the night ended, Magnus would most likely want nothing to do with Alec.

Everything had been going well.  Clary had prepared the pentagram, and everyone had been briefed on what to expect.  Then Magnus had started...teasing? flirting with? Alec in earnest, throwing out sexual innuendos like candy at a parade.  Alec had felt himself shutting down.  He was not able to concentrate fully or respond appropriately, so he just kept shrugging and acting like he had no clue what was happening.  He could see Jace becoming more confused, but he hadn't had time to dwell on it.  Damn it, Hodge had warned them that Magnus was hedonistic.  Alec felt he should have been better prepared.  Hodge had also said that Magnus mistrusted Shadowhunters, so Alec supposed he must be taunting him with his brazen remarks.  Well that made sense.  An immortal Warlock, who was powerful, compassionate, and clever, would never be interested in a stuttering young Shadowhunter.  Alec had felt his cheeks redden as he realized he was being made fun of.

Unfortunately at that moment, Magnus held out his hand to start the Demon summoning.  When their hands had connected, a jolt had run through Alec's entire body, and he couldn't help looking at Magnus.  The Warlock seemed as shocked as he did.  Alec had never felt anything like that before, and was hesitant to grab Jace's hand. That went much more smoothly - parabati tracking required clasped hands, and although it was something that quickened Alec's pulse, it did not bring about the feeling of exhilaration that holding Magnus' hand had.

But even if there had been a real moment between Alec and Magnus, it was all fucked up when the memory Demon had pulled the image of Jace straight from Alec's chest.  A memory of "the person he loved the most."  He has screamed at the time that it wasn't true, and he still felt that way.  There was no one on earth he loved more than Izzy.  Not that it mattered.  Everyone had seen Jace's face, and thus had a front row seat to his crushing embarrassment and shameful secret.

At least Magnus had been kind.  If he hadn't already guessed when he started flirting with Alec, he now had overwhelming conformation that the Shadowhunter was gay.  It was like he could see into Alec's soul.  At the very moment that Alec had been thinking how reprehensible he was, Magnus swooped by, gently telling him he shouldn't be ashamed.  Even though Alec couldn't actually agree with Magnus, it did calm him down slightly.  Here was someone who understood, who got what it was like to be different.

Alec grabbed the pillow from under his head and tried to suffocate himself with it.  Spending all this time scrutinizing his feelings for Magnus versus his feelings for Jace was getting him exactly nowhere.  It didn't matter one fucking bit.  Alec would never openly admit that he was gay.  Entertaining these fantasies that Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn, was supposed to be significant in his life, was just setting himself up for more heartbreak.  He had heard the saying, "don't want what you can't have", from his parents many times before.  In this case, it was true.  He already wanted Jace, what would happen if he wanted Magnus too?  He could have neither.

At least Magnus had given him one thing.  For the first time ever, someone had seen him standing next to Jace, and picked him.  Had thought he was smart, and pretty.  Had made obvious attempts to impress him.  And had gone out of his way to be kind in a horrifying situation.  Alec would probably never see Magnus Bane again, but he had the memories of a man who found Alec worthwhile, and that was enough for tonight.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I love writing Alec and Magnus.
> 
> Let me know if you spot any mistakes.


End file.
